Birth story

Okay, so instead of writing a full-fledged narrative of how it all went down, I'll give you an abbreviated version in case you're curious and quite frankly I don't blame you if you're not.

First, I'd like to dedicate this post to all moms and dads who have been through the childbirth experience-I salute you brave souls. But I'd also like to dedicate this post to those who may someday find themselves in the stirrups and/or witnessing the craziness of delivery-good luck to you and godspeed.

• Some women claim that they got their nesting on the day before they went into labor. Baking cookies, cleaning out the fridge, doing laundry, basically playing Cinderelly. I missed the memo on that and instead went Shopaholic-y and dropped 300 bucks at Target the night before I went into labor.
• Lie #1-"I would be really surprised if you went into labor within the next week," said my doctor the Wednesday before I went into labor. Color you surprised.
  
• Lie #2-"It's very unlikely that your water will break before you start having contractions, especially since you're a first-time mom," said my What to Expect book and my childbirth class educator. So, did I just become incontinent then? No contractions and yet I'm leaking like a faucet.
• Delusion #1-No contractions yet, at least none that I can feel, but they say we're going to have a baby today. Hmmm, I wonder if I'm really having contractions already but I just have a super high tolerance for pain. Oh, young Lora. Looking back, there are so many things I wish I could tell you, but alas I cannot.
• You want to put me on pitocin to get me contracting? Sure.
• Sh*t just got real, son. That escalated quickly and I definitely don't have a super high tolerance for pain.
  
• Epidural now, please.
  
• Delusion #2-this epidural is great, take a little nap and then be good to go by the time I have to push.
  
• Is it time to push yet?
  
• Is it time to push yet?
• Is it time to push yet?
• Is it time to push yet?
• I'm very sorry, Josh for everything you are witnessing right now before delivery. We are not a couple that pees with the bathroom door open so you providing "counterpressure" is pretty intimate. Part of me is embarrassed... but not embarrassed enough to stop demanding it at every contraction.
  
• Thank god, it's time to push.
• Why is Josh counting so slow?
  
• Is this baby even going anywhere? Everyone keeps saying good job but it appears to me that if I was doing such a great job this baby would be out and not taking a leisurely stroll down the birth canal.
• Finally, it's time. What, the doctor needs to go put scrubs on? Well, I'm ready to go so make it quick, lady. Otherwise, I'll just fly solo and figure this out myself.
  
• My favorite thing the doctor said while pushing, "You need to get really angry at this baby and PUSH."
• So I did.